I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
