Someone shit on the floor
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
