when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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