how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
