i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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