I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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