I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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