I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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