i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
