Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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