She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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