Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
