Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
