I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
