why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
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Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
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I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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