Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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