I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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