Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
