Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
