Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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