mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
