I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
