I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
