I smell stomach acid.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Farmville is her only friend.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Randomize
