3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
