I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
