i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
