I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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