just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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