Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
