Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
