On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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