I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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