So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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