Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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