Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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