i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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