I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
