I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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