tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
