Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
