my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
we're making bets on your personal life
two words...techno handjob
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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