he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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