Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
