it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
