dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
