the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
