now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
