just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
