you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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