Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
