My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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