just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
