I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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