Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
