so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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