If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
