Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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