i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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