We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
